The Latent Powers of Dylan Fontaine by April Lurie

Author:April Lurie
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780375848841
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2008-05-13T04:00:00+00:00

Ten

A STRANGE LADY IS STANDING at our kitchen sink washing dishes. She’s built like a Mack truck, and to my horror she’s singing “Goodnight, Irene” completely off-key in what I believe is a German accent. I open the refrigerator and grab an apple, wondering if my dad’s classified ad for a housekeeper read: Must like country music and Wiener schnitzel. Former woman wrestler a plus.

I bite into the apple and she spins around. “Oh, hello! You must be Dylan!” Her face is round and pleasant, and it looks like she’s been working hard, because the kitchen is spotless. She grabs a dish towel above the sink, revealing two large armpit stains. Hastily she dries her hands and offers me one. “So nice to meet you. I’m Vanya.”

We shake. Her grip is firm and solid, like a man’s. “Um, hi, Vanya. I guess you’re our new…,” and that’s when I see a jumble of raw multicolored sausage links on the counter—brown, white, and bloodred.

“Yes, yes, your new housekeeper. Your father asked me to come today. And maybe”—she smiles—“if we all get along, I will agree to stay.”

“Oh, okay.” I point to the counter. “What are those?”

“Why, that’s our dinner! Bratwurst, bierwurst, and weiss-wurst. I found them all at the German deli on Third Avenue. For dessert, I’m making strudel. Tonight we’ll have a feast. I’ve even invited your brother’s friends to join us.”

As I stand there gaping, Randy calls me from the top of the stairs. “Hey, Dyl, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Um, listen, Vanya, I better go. Sounds like Randy needs me.”

“Sure, sure. Run along, dinner is at six.”

Vanya goes back to the sink while I trek up the stairs. Inside Randy’s room I find the whole gang. Randy is sitting atop his desk, Moser and Headbone are sprawled out on the floor, and Nick and Chloe are lounging cozily on the bed. The five of them seem to be having a meeting.

“Dylan?” Randy says. “Did you know the Vagina Head was hiring a housekeeper?”

“Uh, well…” I look around. They’re all staring at me like I’m some kind of traitor. “Yeah, sort of.”

He throws up his hands. “Sort of? So why didn’t you tell me? The guys and I cut out of school early to practice and—”

“Ahem!” Chloe says.

“Sorry, Clo. The band and I cut out of school early to practice, and when we got here, there was this…this lady—”

Headbone chimes in. “And we’re using that term loosely, dude. Did you see the size of her?”

Moser laughs. “Yeah. We already gave her a nickname. Attila the Hun.”

Chloe takes off one of her flip-flops and throws it at Moser, hitting him in the back of the head. “You’d better watch it, Moser, or I’m going to drag your sorry butt into the shower and scrub you down with Betadine.”

“Ouch!” Moser says, rubbing his head. “Jeez, Clo, it was just a joke.”

“Okay, okay,” Randy says. “Anyway, Dyl, this lady, whatever her name is, Vanya, starts going off on us about how she’s planning to call the school and let them know we skipped class.

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